Aching and Longing to be Part of Someone Else's Family.
I don't believe my mother has ever put up a Christmas tree, or bought anyone of us presents. The material objects are not really relevant, but the lack of interest to make a day special surely does. I use to think that it was a lack of money that prevented her from caring about Christmas, presents, a tree, etc. At the beginning no one would buy gifts because we would go to Mexico every Christmas for 2-3 weeks up until my grandmother (father's mother) got sick and died. Then we stopped going altogether. So any money my parents had would be spent on that trip. I have to say that spending Christmas in Mexico, not inside of our own house with my mother's hoarding problem, was a massive relief. My aunt would set the table and it looked somewhat festive. My mother has never perfected the art of setting a table with nice dinner plates, nice ironed fabric napkins (or even some festive paper ones!), nice silverware, nice wine glasses, beautiful appetizers, a good bottle of wine, etc. Even when we lived in my sister's house my mother would make sure it was chaotic and my sister would try to balance it out with some sort of order. It was my sister who bought the gifts, who put up the tree, but never my mother. When I had money I would get everyone a gift. But my brothers do not believe in getting anyone any Christmas gifts, setting the table properly, making any kind of real effort. My mom cooks Christmas Eve dinner - always the same, ham, mashed potatoes, some sort of sweet potato, corn bread, corn, and bacalao. That is her contribution. The menu never changes and never has changed, ever.
Today I realized just how much I have ached and longed to be part of a normal family without all the chaos, the mismatched plates, eating in the kitchen with clothes, boxes, and all sorts of crap piled everywhere. My mother is too old to change. Her hoarding issue has always been present.
Looking at Facebook on Christmas day has go to be the most depressing thing on the planet. Maybe that is why I decided to study French and study in France -- to get away from the chaos, unrefinement and lack of sophistication of my mother and all her hoarding. Most of my unhappiness and sadness has revolved around not being able to take anyone to my mother's house/parent's house because of her hoarding problem. It was better when I lived with my sister. There was a place to hide all her stuff.
On Saturday after I saw you at the farmer's market I felt very ill. I went to lunch with a friend and I finally said two things out loud that I had never said before: I wanted you to become part of my family and being included with your family because compared to mine they are all pretty normal. I am making 0 effort at all to go get an MRI of my breast to see if the tumor I have is cancerous mainly because I don't really care. I have a car and a dog and a bike. I have no children or husband. I think it is amazing your sisters came to see you for Christmas!! None of my siblings would ever fly across an ocean to spend time with me on the holidays, they are simply too lazy and disinterested in anything that requires making an effort.
Every day I ask myself "How do I go from a mentality of scarcity (love, resources, emotional support), etc. to one of abundance (love, resources, emotional support)?" In other words, how do I change my mindset to believe that even though throughout my life I have always had to be the adult and not the child, and I have not been given enough love, resources, or any emotional support how do I find that now? How do I create that now? How do I trick myself into believing that great things happen to everyone when I am constantly reminded that some people truly live horrible lives. I have read to get out of the "victim" role/pity party and learn to be grateful. And today I can only assume I should be grateful for the silence to write.
I sent you a present because you could not control me from sending you one, simply because I could, because you forbade me to send you a birthday card or present, and excluded me from allowing you to celebrate your 30th birthday. So sue me. It was like an act of defiance. I find it ironic and hysterical that someone who is an atheist and does not believe in God celebrates Christmas. But spending with you in a kitchen making incredible and amazing appetizers would have been all my heart needs. I have never needed material objects. Just a hug, smile, laughter in the kitchen and a reason to cook for.
Today I realized just how much I have ached and longed to be part of a normal family without all the chaos, the mismatched plates, eating in the kitchen with clothes, boxes, and all sorts of crap piled everywhere. My mother is too old to change. Her hoarding issue has always been present.
Looking at Facebook on Christmas day has go to be the most depressing thing on the planet. Maybe that is why I decided to study French and study in France -- to get away from the chaos, unrefinement and lack of sophistication of my mother and all her hoarding. Most of my unhappiness and sadness has revolved around not being able to take anyone to my mother's house/parent's house because of her hoarding problem. It was better when I lived with my sister. There was a place to hide all her stuff.
On Saturday after I saw you at the farmer's market I felt very ill. I went to lunch with a friend and I finally said two things out loud that I had never said before: I wanted you to become part of my family and being included with your family because compared to mine they are all pretty normal. I am making 0 effort at all to go get an MRI of my breast to see if the tumor I have is cancerous mainly because I don't really care. I have a car and a dog and a bike. I have no children or husband. I think it is amazing your sisters came to see you for Christmas!! None of my siblings would ever fly across an ocean to spend time with me on the holidays, they are simply too lazy and disinterested in anything that requires making an effort.
Every day I ask myself "How do I go from a mentality of scarcity (love, resources, emotional support), etc. to one of abundance (love, resources, emotional support)?" In other words, how do I change my mindset to believe that even though throughout my life I have always had to be the adult and not the child, and I have not been given enough love, resources, or any emotional support how do I find that now? How do I create that now? How do I trick myself into believing that great things happen to everyone when I am constantly reminded that some people truly live horrible lives. I have read to get out of the "victim" role/pity party and learn to be grateful. And today I can only assume I should be grateful for the silence to write.
I sent you a present because you could not control me from sending you one, simply because I could, because you forbade me to send you a birthday card or present, and excluded me from allowing you to celebrate your 30th birthday. So sue me. It was like an act of defiance. I find it ironic and hysterical that someone who is an atheist and does not believe in God celebrates Christmas. But spending with you in a kitchen making incredible and amazing appetizers would have been all my heart needs. I have never needed material objects. Just a hug, smile, laughter in the kitchen and a reason to cook for.
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